I pre ordered the  "South Beach Diet: Supercharged" paperback and it JUST arrived!  I'm so happy because the copy I had before was from the library.  Now I can highlight, make notes and take it with me wherever I go!  YAY!!! 

i made the mistake of not making copies of the foods I should have had in Phase 1, the exercises and the workout plan.  I feel bad for the book, it's going to take such a beating.  Maybe I should have ordered two, instead of one?

I can't wait!  I took PJ bike riding with me yesterday.  Again, I could only do 20 minutes, but, this time I didn't feel like puking and my head didn't hurt and to me, that's a big improvement.  The weather is nicer today and maybe I'll go for a short ride before I go to class or maybe later on tonight when PJ walks the dog.

I'm so happy with my self.  The happiest I've been in a long time.  Now, if I would put this much energy into school It'd be perfection :)

This is the funniest thing I have seen in a long time.  It brought tears to my eyes.  Needless to say, I have seen it more than 10 times in a row.  It's that amazing.  The video was disabled by request, so just click on the link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

Or more than likely have Bipolar Disorder.  I think I am more than just depressed.  The highs and lows I experience are even getting to me.  I think I may seriously be bipolar.  It wouldn't be too extreme a notion.  I am not one of those "That will never happen to me people", and we suspect my little sister is bipolar as well.

I need health insurance ASAP.  Sigh, this sucks.

What is going on with the Firefox browser? Is anyone else's FF "not responding" for minutes at a time?  Is it causing the rest of your other programs to stall or freeze?  I noticed it last weekend while browsing on ebay, but figured it was because I had 5+ tabs open and was using Adobe CS3 at the same time.  It's gotten worse throughout the week.  It's so bad I am using Internet Explorer.  No, I don't "hate" IE like some people do.  I just don't like how the browser looks.  It's... ugly.

A few friends in the past month have wondered what Twitter was about. It intrigued me and I signed up to see what the hype was about. I guess this explains it perfectly:

when I slipped on a KFC bowl and broke my fall on some Lousiana Crunch cake. Yes.  Yesterday was not a good day.  I've realized when I get upset or stressed and start thinking too many negative thoughts I wish the world would crumble around me and I could die.  Since that doesn't happen, I turn to food.  This also happens when I am bored.

I spent most of the weekend on ebay, bidding on mac pc's for school. It stressed me out, knowing that right now I can't afford something with real power.  This led to thoughts of my unemployment ending soon, which brought on more thoughts of "OMG, what am I going to do", which came to a complete crash at "IS THIS MY LIFE??? WHAT HAVE I DONE?"

That opened up the flood gates. I didn't care about me, my health and my promise.  I had a KFC bowl, a HUGE chuck of Louisiana crunch cake and a frozen pizza.  I didn't eat it all at once, in case you're wondering.  Which makes it worse.  After I ate the bowl I was like "fuck it, it's just a bowl" and then I started feeling guilty.  I started thinking "Well, there goes the diet, I couldn't even commit for more than 2 days."

What made me feel even worse was the fact that I hadn't touched those frozen pizza's in over 3 weeks.  Last night, I felt like I had failed.  As if eating that stuff automatically erased all the other things I had done to get to where I was.  I feel different this morning.  I'm seeign this experience, not as a failed attempt at the diet, but as a lesson about how my feelings are connected to my eating habits and how I deal with things.

I messed up one day, I knew it would happen, I was shocked it happened this early in the game, but it's ok.  I'm going to add it to my "lesson learned rolodex" and move on.  So I guess I'm back on the bandwagon.  I just wish this little bit of guilt I feel for messing up yesterday will go away.  I know I'm not going to eat crap to make myself feel better about it, like I used to do.

Day 1

I haven't posted for awhile cause school has been kicking my behind in a lovely fashion. It's finally Spring Break and have the time to focus on a few things I have wanted to do.  Mainly, starting to eat right and working out.  I've been researching what it the best way for me to do this.  I had joined Weight Watchers Online back in January as my "New Years Resolution", but I barely went on the site.  I HATE the new Momentum Plan and wanted to go back to the Flex Points system I had tried before.  The Momentum plan is a mix of both the Flex Points and Points systems.   I never wrapped my head around it, which resulted in a total FAIL.

I decided to read the South Beach Diet after coming across PastaQueen's blog. She went through an amazing life change:  learning how to eat healthier, cooking new foods and incorporating working out into her lifestyle.    By making small changes she ended up losing 192 pounds.  It was a no-brainer for me to at least read the South Beach Diet book. 

I am glad I did and now i'm on my own journey to drop some weight.  My goal is 80 pounds.  I wasn't going to put my stats and my struggles on here, but I figure that I can help someone else get motivated the way the PastaQueen's blog did for me.  I know I will have bad days or even bad weeks.  I know I will make bad decisions.  But I am ok with that.  I know I am not perfect and my perfection is what has kept me from doing this.  Unrealistic expectations and expecting everything to go well are out the door.

I am ok in knowing that this will be hard, that I might mess up and that I more than likely WILL mess up and that coming to terms with that was my biggest hurdle.  I can't wait.  I plan to write often and a lot about this.  I am undergoing this by myself and will more often than not come here to rant, rave and document my victories.  So for the readers out there, I am giving you fair warning that this is gonna get ugly before it gets nice.  Please don't judge me if I do a 4 paragraph rant on how much I want to eat ice cream.  

So, here are my stats.  I wasn't going to post them on here, but fuck it.  I need to be honest with myself 100%:

Age: 26
Height: 5' 5.5" (yes, the half inch counts!!)
Weight: 238.8 (Ouch... yeah... no comments!!)
Goal Weight: 150 (because I felt healthy when I was this weight.  I don't want to be skin and bones, I love having curves!)
Thing i am looking forward to the most in the next 2 weeks: learning new recipes, getting rid of cravings (Phase 1 on the south beach diet) 

No i haven't found a job yet and my grades in school could be better, but I can't stop smiling.  A few days ago I met my maternal grandmother, who I haven't seen since I was 4.  She finally got her green card and came a few weeks ago. 

I got sick the day she arrived and wasn't able to see her, then i had some emotional issues about her arrival and didn't WANT to see her.  I'm happy I came around and changed my mind.  She is nice and sweet and has this aura about her that just exudes goodness.  I didn't feel an inkling of a malicious intent.  It's the weirdest thing. 

My step-mother found me on facebook last week and after waiting patiently for her reply to the email I sent her she finally answered back yesterday.  I happened to be online when she was on and we got to chatting.  3 hours later i was caught up to what I've been missing on the last 2 years.  I was happy to hear that my dad finally calmed down and just live life like regular folks, instead of being on that "New-Jack-City-minus-the-killing" lifestyle he was in.  Unfortunately, his preview of the "normal" life only lasted until last July.  He's alive and well and that's all that matter to me right now.

I used to pray that he wasn't dead, because then we'd have NO chance at having a relationship.  We lost 26 years of ot, but who's to say we can't work on it in the next 26?  My stepmom told me "you know h's not the best at being a dad, but i will vouch for the fact that he always talked about you and wondered if you were ok.  He always wondered if he was a grandfather yet."

I don't know what's going to happen.  All I know is that I am not going to run away from this when it gets hard, like i have most of my life.  i have never felt so complete before.  I have the last piece of the jig-saw puzzle and it feels amazing.

Class wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  My professor droned on and on and on about nothing.  He did compliment a few of my pieces from the assignment that was due today.  I still have to make up some more work for this class, I email another professor about that is due later on this week.

I missed that class cause I was too busy getting cute for the wedding.  Oh yea, I got married last Friday. 

Taking 5 classes in one semester isn't so bad, it is kind of rough when 4 of 5 of them are art classes, are 2.5 hours long each and you're only there once a week (with the exception of one class, which is 2.5 hours long, twice a week).  I thought I could handle this.  I WANT to be able to handle this workload.  I just need to stop procrastinating and get down to it. 

How am I going to handle classes when I find a full time job if I can't handle it now?  I used to be so good at this; now I'm not.  I am so tired of doing this school/work thing.  All I want to do is get to the goal line, which is still 4 semesters away.  ARRRGGHH!! 

I will not fail, I will not fall, I will not give up.

I was absent last Monday from my Typography class.  I emailed the Professor on Thursday for the assignment due today.  When does he reply to me?  Today, 3 hours before class in due.  I know it's my fault for not going to class and all, but seriously you can't take out 2 minutes from your busy schedule to let me know which assignment was due?

I don't think I will be absent from this guy's class anymore. 

To Do:

1. Find Black dress for wedding.
2. Trim ends of hair.
3. Mani/Pedi.
4. Practice appropriate makeup. Perhaps shopping for new makeup.
5. Super duper clean the apartment.
6. Figure out hairstyle.
7. Find sexy and comfortable high heeled shoes.
8. Book a hotel for our wedding night of which we'll enjoy the day AFTER the wedding, as i have class the morning after the Wedding night.
9. Do my Eyebrows.
10. Maybe a facial.
11. Stress about what my mom will wear.
12. Go to school full time and do homework while pulling off numbers 1-10.

It doesn't seem like an impossible list to complete in 11 days if it was not for the fact that I have to go to class and do looooads of art projects between now and the wedding day.  Missing class is not an option since I've missed class for a week already because i was sick a few days ago. 

Ugh. My stomach is churning.  This is so nerve wrecking!!

ETA: also on the list: find a place to eat for the few that are attending.  Against PJ's wishes I REFUSE to eat at a Chinese-all-you-can-eat-buffet on my wedding day. 

Our new President is finally sworn in!

I will never forget today.  The black cloud has lifted and you can feel the air is charged with energy.  I am so happy and SO proud that this happened during my lifetime and morese, while I am this young.  It gives me hope that by the time I die, there might be a hispanic president.  I will never forget today.  It's one of those days that will be burned into my heart, right next to Sept. 11th,  2001. 

I am glad to be alive to witness this. 

And I am happy that i was on the phone with my mom and with great friends online sharing it.  I will never forget screaming at the TV with my mom on the phone screaming to the former President "Goodbye Bush!!! Get the FUCK OUT!!!!!"

There's a girl I went to High School with whose alias online is "Lolita".  I don't know WHY this makes me so mad and makes me want to sit her on a chair and tell her :

"Honey, although you are as cute as a button (she is) and don't look a day over 17 (she doesn't) I think you need to site down and realize you are 26.  You are 4 years closer to being 30 than you are at precocious teenager.  Yes you are smart and sexy and gorgeous, but an innocent, starry eyed little girl who wants to be a woman, you are not.  You ARE a woman. Get over it.  "

Oh, and what's up with women who are almost 40, with teenage daughters and showing off their goodies on Myspace? There are like 10 photos of you with your kids at different family functions and then a whole section of you looking "sexy" in lingerie? Do you have no shame? Don't you stop and think about the message you are sending your kids and their cousins who take up your Top 8?

What kills me  the most is when I read their profile an it says that they love God, their family comes first and they are looking for a man that can respect her for who she is.  Um... yeah...

I am not going to lie, I have posted VERY sexy pictures of myself on my Myspace page in the past, but I was single.  I don't have kids and the moment I started adding my siblings and family members unto my page the racy pics came down.  Also, I think it's disturbing to see these women's C-section scars in these "sexy" pictures.

And for those of you wondering why I am looking at those profiles it's because I have a friend who likes dating women in their late 30's and 40's and another gets approached by them and they both looove showing me the women that they are dating/ are getting approached by. 

I don't care how old these women are.  It's just, if you're showing your goodies, make sure i don't see C-Section scars and that you make your page private so that you don't embarass your family, kids and their friends.

I am SO out of shape!!!

I decided to start working out slowly.  Instead of jumping in to what I thought I was able to do (like a full Jillian Michaels DVD), I started off with the Step Workout DVD that came with my Stepper. 

It seemed simple enough to do, but 20 minutes later I was huffing and puffing and nowhere near close to blowing any houses down. 

I was hot, sweaty, my kness were hurting and I felt as if I was going to blackout.  I didn't know I was THIS out of shape.  This hasn't discouraged me.  I know it's my first day on the grind and it will only get easier and better the longer I do it.  Today just served to show my initial stamina. 

I'm off to the supermarket to pick up some fruit.  I plan will walk 20 minutes on the treadmill before I go to bed.  That way I could say I worked out for a total of 40 minutes on my first day back to working out.

Tomorrow, i will Zumba.  It's WAY easier on my knees :)

I'm hungry.  No, I'm not really.  I just want to stick food in my mouth.  I want to nibble on something, maybe have an egg salad sandwich.  Instead I am here, drinking some water and trying to fight the urge to walk over to the fridge and shove anything in my mouth. 

I remember reading somewhere that a craving lasts anywhere from 10 - 20 minutes and then the urge disappears , this one just started up.  It hit me hard, came out of left field.  It just shook me.  This was the first time I stopped and paid attention to how a craving makes me physically feel.

I was setting up the stepper I just bought at Target (I need it for the Jillian Michaels workout) when all of a sudden the thought of "Something in my mouth" came over me.  I almost got up and walked over to the fridge but I held steady.  I asked myself why was I getting up to get food.  I took a moment to see whether or not I was hungry- I'm not.  I feel satisfied.  I got a glass of water and looked for a way to distract myself.  I logged on and decided to write about my craving.

It's been about 10 minutes since I got that craving and it's gone now.  Also, the headache I started feeling about 15 minutes before I had the craving is slowly leaving too.  This was my first time fighting a craving, I hope it gets easier soon. 

I'm tired of quitting things or not doing them because I am "scared".

What happened to the girl that did things despite the risks of getting into serious trouble even though she knew that she was doing the right thing?

I miss her. 

i know that I probably failed my effective speaking class because I was too scared to give a dumb speech which counted for 25% of my grade.  I didn't care until tonight when the professor gave back the reviews on those speeches and I was the only one that didn't receive one. 

It made me feel like a loser, because even though I did the research, I didn't even try to suck at it.  I just threw in the towel cause I didn't think I could do it.  I'm sick of doing this to myself.  Starting tomorrow I am not going to quit anything I start and I will not say no to anything I do, no matter how slow, hard, insignificant or scary it may be.

To do today:

1. Go to court because I was subpoenaed because of jury duty. Shouldn't they have it in their system that I am not a citizen, just a resident?

2. Pick up our rings from Zales (yay, something fun).

3. Clean the apartment.

4. Start studying for finals.

5. Pick up a check at KnitNY.

PJ asked me about an hour ago if I loved him.  I said yes. 

He asked if I could marry him in January of February.

I told him I loved him enough to marry him now.

So he said that maybe we should be looking into picking a date and looking into wedding bands.

My reaction was: *JAWDESK*.

He also said :he's been thinking a lot about it and that he still wants me to have a big wedding when things get better and when we have enough saved up and also get me an engagement ring in the future.

This came out of left field for me.  Am  I ready to be a wife within the next 4-8 weeks? 

I know I love PJ and he is the only man I can see myself spending the rest of my life with happily.  We talk, communicate, get along well.  We argue, have our moments, but we always do communicate.  We strive to become better people and grow in our relationship.  It's one of the things are relationship is based on:  to work on our relationship, are aware that things will not always be picture perfect and always be honest and communicate.

He said more things, but too many things are swimming in my head right now and I can't put everything in order right now.  

I'm happy.  Whether we decide to wait a few more months or actually go with this idea and get married in a few weeks nothing will be as sweet as PJ telling me everything he just told me today.

Now I'm late for class.  I needed to say this to anyone and I know if i called my mom or any of my friends i would be on the phone for hours and I needed to share of the most basic of news with anyone right now. 

Maybe later on I will sit down and write a more detailed account of what happened.  Right now I was just too excited (and late for class).
 

PJ figured out how to burn my PS1 games into my PSP.  Needless to say I have spent the last 2 nights playing Final Fantasy 7 (yet again).

Finals are around the corner and all I can think of is materia combinations and powering up Cloud and Tifa.

I am soo tired.  Been having a busy weekend, which is nice for a change.

Worked yesterday in the yarn store where I used to work.  It was as a favor to them, as my old manager's sister was very sick and on the brink of death.  She did pass and I am very sad because she was a really sweet woman.

I am also working there this Tuesday and Thursday.

Today I went to Jersey to celebrate my mom's b-day.  All in all it's been a good weekend.

Need to get to bed soon.  I need to wake up super early tomorrow and spend my morning and afternoon studying for my math test.  I refuse to get less than an 85 on this test.  I am failing this class.  

It's not a hard class at all, just the quizzes are tricky.  I already registered for next semester  and would hate to turn my schedule upside down to find a way to accomodate this class.

As it is I registered for 5 classes 6 days a week.  I hate the fact that all my art classes are only 2 credits and I HAVE to take them all.  sigh...